Wasn't sure what book I'd be able to do April's Review with but after finishing this one, I just had so many thoughts I wanted to talk about, it seemed like the easiest choice.
The Astonishing Color of After by Emily X.R. Pan
This book was published March of 2018 by Little, Brown Books for Young Readers and is 472 pages long.
This book follows Leigh Chen Sanders, half Taiwanese, half Irish American Caucasian, high school girl who is trying to sort out her feelings for her best friend Axel. When one day Leigh and Axel kiss for the first time, Leigh's mother committed suicide simultaneously. Trying to manage her grief and guilt for not being home, Leigh is convinced that her mother is now a bird. Leigh travels to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents and to track down the bird.
This book... made me cry so hard at 2 in the morning, I just grabbed a towel and let it all out. It was actually a pretty easy and interesting read and wasn't hard for me to get into, but I had a hard time connecting with Leigh in the first half. One thing with books about art, as much as I enjoy reading about them, I also get really defensive and protective of art as a profession. So I was a little skeptical going in, because, I feel, it's all too easy to make things sound unbelievable and over the top. Jenn Bennett's The Anatomical Shape of a Heart (or The Night Bus for those outside the U.S.) I thought had good art representation until the last few chapters felt unrealistic, in my own experience and opinion.
Aside from that, the topics in this book were heavy hitting for me. I started this book just before I went into a Suicide Prevention training for two days. I have a relative who has tried multiple times to take their own life, so the suicide aspect of this was tough to get through, but I over all thought it was well represented in terms of an "outsider" perspective, as in, not in the mind set of the person wanting to commit suicide, but of those still affected and effected by the possible results, no matter the verity. Does that make sense? Something touched upon in the book and in an author's note was: blame- Leigh blamed herself, Leigh's dad blamed himself, both of them kept trying to find a reason why she did what she did and were hurt they couldn't be the ones to make Dory (Leigh's mom) happy, when in reality they could have done everything and anything and the results could still be Dory ending her life. We cannot blame ourselves or others. Emily touches on this a bit saying that there was no specific reason to why Dory took her own life. More times than not that's something a lot of people who know or were close to victims of suicide can get. Unfortunately that's something we have to accept. The fact that Leigh and Brian (Leigh's dad) communicated this (eventually) helped their relationship, as through out most the book their relationship was trained due to wanting to struggle privately. Which I'm sure doesn't work for everyone, but I enjoy a book that offers communication as a valid solution.
Another topic that this book touched on was mixed blood. Leigh is half Taiwanese and half white (Irish, European Caucasian) and it's pointed out when she's in the states as well as in Taiwan. There was a quote I absolutely loved that Leigh had said after she get's called "exotic": "...People think it's a compliment, but it makes me feel like an animal in a zoo." YES! Thank you. Interestingly enough it made me check myself as well. I remember having to explain to a group of students why I felt "exotic" was an insult rather than a compliment and my reasoning was "I feel like 'exotic' is like a foreign flower or something, if you're from the Carribean you're "exotic" or some place tropical. I'm Native American. I'm not 'exotic.' my tribe and my family are from here." It was a frustrating moment, but this quote coming from Emily's book made me check myself and think that even if you or your family is from a tropical place, you still probably don't like being called "exotic." Through out the book Leigh's mixed blood is pointed out in the States as well as when she get's to Taiwan, when children openly call her a foreigner and mixed blood, because although she has some features of her mother that are Taiwanese, she also has lighter hair and light eyes due to her father's genes. So there's this struggle with Leigh in fitting in, which I feel is a constant struggle with anyone who is trying to live in today's "colonized" society predominately focused on the success of Caucasian people, and those who still want to practice their culture, whether through cuisine, holidays, dances, etc... which today's society is still finding hard to accept and not judge on.
And finally the last topic I'd like to talk about that was in this book was art as a profession. This was the topic that kept the tension on Leigh and her father, Brian's relationship. As Leigh loved art and spent a lot of her time sketching, while Brian felt that though she was talented, it was ultimately a waste of time and Leigh needed to pick something more "practical" to send her time. Through out the book it goes from Brian thinking that art is just a "hobby" Leigh spends too much time on to him trying to convince her that there's no money in it if you're not good or lucky. With this comes Leigh's frustration and her struggle to prove him wrong but wanting to make it into a profession. Every time Leigh and Brian had an argument about this, my own anger and frustration would rise, as I had to same issue when picking my college major. I was told there's no money in art, that if I was going to do art I needed to do something else so that I wouldn't become a "starving artist." I tried. I did. I tried culinary art but didn't like how intense it could be. I tried combining art with the sciences: First Psychology thinking I'd do art therapy, until my psychology professor pulled me aside and said that I'd be great, if I had the patience for people, which at the time I didn't. Marine Biology, I wanted to be a scientific illustrator and picked my University based on that after graduating from my community college, only to realize how much of a work load Marine Biology was, and with a limit on Financial Aid help, my fear of going into debt with loans, and that fact I couldn't pass Botany, I stuck with art. Knowing I was good at it, and wanting to get better. It wasn't until my junior year of University that those who didn't want me strictly taking art realized how much art goes into everyday life, and that there is a need for artists everywhere. Which is what I kind of wanted to shout at Brian, and wish it was resolved better than him just accepting his daughter is talented and stubborn. I wanted that resolve to be more convincing. In my case it wasn't resolved until they realized that art is all around you: magazine covers, product labeling, advertising, book covers, movies, etc... I wanted to resolve for this with Leigh and Brian to be more than just him going "yeah ok, it's your passion. I support you now." I don't find it helpful and feel like Leigh will still need to have resolve it later in life if she does continue to pursue art professionally.
Alright, otherwise this was a great book with a great focus, I also loved the tension between Leigh and Axel, though I didn't think all aspects of that were resolved either.
I gave this book 4.5 out of 5 stars. One of my favorite for the year so far.
If you've read this book and would like to discuss comment below! I would love to hear your thoughts. Or if you wanna follow me on any other platform my links or in the bar on the right.
Until next time!
Litta
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